A rant about airline fees

On occasion, I just need to vent for a few minutes about some nonsense that impacts my world. I know I'm not first to rant; Dennis Miller got famous with his rants, and I'm sure there were times that Thomas Jefferson, Genghis Khan, and even Adam opined at a high volume regarding some silly situation they faced, whether it be John Adams’ hygiene, the price of rice in China, or Eve’s meatloaf.

Today’s rant is courtesy of an airline I shall not name (I lie: U.S. Air) that transported me through a nine-hour, three-airplane cross-country trip, from LEX to CRL to DEN to PSC (that’s Lexington, Ky., to Charlotte, N.C., to Denver, to Pasco, Wash., for those not familiar with the three-letter airport designations that have become my geographical shorthand).

Flight one, from LEX to CRL was no problem: left on time, got there on time. Flight two boarded on time, and I even had an exit row seat with enough leg room to make a power forward happy. We taxied from the gate, and then came the pilot announcement that is the basis for my rant (I paraphrase):

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We are ready for takeoff, but it turns out that we have too much fuel and it is causing a weight distribution problem. We need to burn off about 600 pounds of fuel. This should only take a few minutes, and then we’ll be on our way. And we will have enough fuel to go to Denver. We appreciate your patience.”

I sat there and started to think about what I just heard.

First, I did the math. Jet fuel must weigh roughly 10 pounds a gallon, I guessed (partly because it made it easier to do the math). So we have to burn 60 gallons of fuel and it will take a few minutes? This is a three and a half hour flight. How much fuel are we carrying if we’re burning 60 gallons in a few minutes while sitting still?

Next, did the pilot really say “we will have enough fuel to make it to Denver?” Did he emphasize will, like he was trying to convince the co-pilot? Or was he asking the flight attendants – we will make it to Denver (won’t we)? Well thanks, captain, for throwing that in at the end. I hadn’t even thought about running out of gas until you brought it up.

Now I’m trusting that the same airline that overfilled the tank by 60 gallons got the calculation right for making it from Charlotte to Denver? I guess if nothing else, as comedian Ron White would say, we would have enough fuel to make it to the scene of the crash.

I’m not a trained airline fuel tank filler-upper (I’m sure they have a fancy title that includes the word “technician”), but when I was in high school (in the days of pump before you pay) and the $2.17 in loose change in my Mustang’s ashtray was my entire net worth and the fuel tank was on “E”, I pumped $2.17 worth of gas (about 2.17 gallons in 1985). Not $2.18, and certainly not 64.17 gallons. Assuming that the pilots don’t want to crash any more than I do, trusted that we’d make it to Denver (or refuel in Omaha).

The point of my rant, however, comes in the math – unleaded gasoline is closing in on $3 a gallon. Jet fuel has to cost more -- a lot more -- and we’re just going to burn it off?

This from an airline that, like most of the others, nickels-and-dimes you at every chance it gets: $15 per checked bag (which is why I carry-on everything); $7 for a snack box; and only one cup of diet cola and no peanuts on a jam-packed 218-minute flight.

And in case you are wondering, a few minutes at U.S. Air means 45 minutes. (The photo is the view out my window for the 30 minutes I was in my seat before the announcement, and the 45 minutes of idling -- I watched a lot of planes go by).

Incidentally, 45 minutes was roughly the length of my layover in Denver. When we landed in Denver I grabbed my stuff and ran to the next plane, guessing that it had the right amount of fuel and would leave on time. It did (I made it, with enough time to snag a McDonald’s grilled chicken sandwich to eat on the flight – that’s right, travel is glamorous. The photo is the far end of the B concourse after a long, long day).



After this adventure, I am looking forward to reading about the airline’s commitment to the environment in the “green issue” of their next in-flight magazine – unless, of course, they decide to charge me for the subscription.